Thursday, December 29, 2005 and Friday, December 30, 2005

I hosted Rooster T. Feathers pre-New Year's Eve shows, with headliner Andrew Norelli and feature Sadiki Fuller. I had burritos for dinner both nights. Crowds weren't stellar, but the show was. Sadiki can do a standing backflip. Andrew throws a mean punch. Oops, I mean punchline.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Ron's Farmhouse. I ate leftovers at home (soup) before the show which starts at 9pm. Not a great crowd. We chalked it up to the holiday. And the people that were there seemed tired. Except for the heckler from Montana who just wouldn't stop until her friend dragged her out. We thought it was over, then one of the comedians from earlier in the evening (open mic) got really drunk and started heckling. Really bad form. Headliner Jeff Applebaum, now appearing in the role of Joey Bishop in the Rat Pack play, was the headliner, and handled himself brilliantly. I signed the stage prop, "Lesbians Rock!" I just was inspired to write that. I just thought it was funny, that's all. Not trying to imply anything about anybody.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Iron Comic! WOOOOOOOOO! What a great idea. Five comedians are given 20 minutes to write 2 minutes of material on topics randomly selected from audience suggestions. My buddy Ian Jensen was one of the other Iron Comics. I was solidly in 4th place out of 5 in each of the three rounds. In the first round, I had a blast and screwed around and had my best set of the night. But then the other comics did so well, that it freaked me out and it became more competitive and of course I choked. The first topic was Wynton Marselis. How gay. But I did come out with a few good ones. The next two topics were even gayer -- ethnic food and excuses for not going to work. I had nothin'. My buddy Ian was awesome. Did the whole work excuse bit as George Bush. Brilliant. He came in second. Edo and Carl and I had pizza before heading out. They missed my best set because they wanted to wander around the Haight. Meanwhile, I'm sitting out on the street with my notebook, my bum was falling asleep, and no one tried to give me money. How was I expected to be creative under those conditions?!? It was a total blast.

Thursday, December 8, 2005

Since I was performing at a Philippino restaurant (Carmen's), I waited until I got there to order. They had lumpia and adobo, and that's it! They had burgers and sandwiches and all sorts of "American" food. I was looking for pansit, where was that, huh? I had the lumpia, but they weren't even philippino lumpia, they were "shanghai lumpia." I had a blast with the 4 or 5 audience members and the one guy who came in to stay warm while he waited for his ride. Definitely not a night to do material. I hope I didn't scare anyone. Mother Devine is really sweet, and so easily excited. She came up to me with the biggest grin and said, "We get to take our notes up, because this is informal!" Yer darned tootin' it's informal. THERE ARE 4 OR 5 AUDIENCE MEMBERS AND ONE GUY WHO CAME IN TO STAY WARM WHILE HE WAITED FOR HIS RIDE. This is not a comedy paladium. It's a room with a microphone. Maybe someday . . .

Monday, December 5, 2005

My first time back at the Rose & Crown in a really long time. Edo and I had dinner before I left. I made an awesome pilaf and then we opened bags of indian food on top of it. YUMMMY. I went up pretty early on, which was okay with me. I wish I had the energy to stay until the end. Drennon and Rachel did a really hysterical "duet" kind of thing. JD was there. No, not that JD, another JD. This JD needs medication but doesn't take it because of the "stigma." JD, there's more stigma attached to being LOOONEY than there is to taking meds. Take your meds. And don't heckle me again, because I will take you down. I will take you down to the local free clinic and have them give you meds!

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Open call auditions for the Las Vegas Comedy Festival. Auditions were held beginning at noon at Rooster T. Feathers. Luckily, since I work there, I didn't have to sit and wait around like a lot of the comedians did; I could duck in the office and do some work. We each had 3 minutes. I've done these before. I'm not the one who can be the funniest in only 3 minutes. It was never my goal to advance. My STATED goal was to be able to perform at noon on a Wednesday in front of a bunch of comedians and a couple judges and not get nervous or fidgety. So I took advice from Eddie Brill and PLANTED myself on stage. I think it worked out. Later I had a quiznos sandwich for dinner, which I enjoyed immensely knowing I had met my goal. If I were still in the corporate world, I'd get like a .00005% raise for that!

Friday, November 25, 2005

A packed house at the Larkspur Cafe Theater for another installment of Women Who Kick Comedy Butt. It was a great line up. I had a set in the first half, then emceed the second half. One of my favorite lines of evening: "My husband gave me a nice Thanksgiving Day gift. He turned the heat on." Actually, that's a little bit of a red flag for me, 'cause usually when he turns the heat on, it means he's feeling amorous. Then I have to go around and open up all the windows!

Some people just don't have any sense at all. Why is that? Unintelligent design? This woman comes up to Jovelyn (one of the other performers) after the show and says, "You really have that black woman thing down." People, Jovelyn IS a black woman. In a related story, a customer at Rooster T. Feathers told Brent Weinbach, "I didn't get any of that black lingo, but my friend is half-black, and she got it." People, Brent Weinbach IS NOT black. And no where in his act does he even call out the color of anyone in his stories. That audience guy just heard "Oakland," and filled in the black. We have a ways to go, that's all I'm saying.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Coolio. I got to host the SFCC graduation showcase at the San Jose Improv.The host gets a comped meal! I chose Chicken Tenders and a Sprite. Ginger, a server at the Improv, is totally cool. So is Derek (or is it Darren?) the sound guy. Management continues to avoid my gaze. It was a great show with a really decent audience, especially for the night before Thanksgiving. Hosting a showcase like that is fun because you get to play around a little inbetween comedians. For example, the audience now knows that Scotty Fell is jealous of my boobies. During the "please kill time while we change the tapes" section of the show, I told the story about trying to find a seat at Mass on Christmas. I find an empty seat and move toward it when the guy sitting next to the empty seat says, "that seat is saved." "Oh yeah? Well, only Jesus saves, Nimrod, so move over!" I also had fun teasing Kurtis as I brought him on stage. In his intro I said, "You might have seen him on A&E's Evening at the Improv, if you're over 40." He got back at me. I'll never work there again. :-)

Monday, November 21, 2005

Cafe Zoetrope is a very cool little cafe/restaurant sort of nestled in between Chinatown, the Financial District, North Beach, and the girly-bars. I had a delicious bowl of linguine with clam sauce and a house white. The room is very tiny, and triangular, and the stage was at the apex (I think that's the right word). Everyone walking by can see and hear you, which is sort of fun, and allows you to get the outside world involved in the show as well. As I was sitting waiting for my set, a young Asian man walked in. At first I assumed he was just another gay Philipino wandering the streets of the city. Then I heard him introduce himself to Kurtis, "Hi, I'm Dat Phan. From Hollywood." Needless to say, The Datster (can I call him The Datster?) ended up headlining the show, and my time was bumped a little bit. I didn't really mind, but this is a career milestone for me: I got bumped by someone more famous than I am. My first bump. Cool.

Now comes the funny part. I'm sitting at the counter, which is very small and there's a column right behind it so only anorexic midgets can sit there. This young woman walked in. She seemed overdressed, but in a white-trash kind of way, and she had her hair pulled up into some sort of fountain spray design, obviously patterned after the Mannequin Pis. She ordered a "Skyy Vodka in a Cosmopolitan." The bartender, rightly so, says, "what?" After they work that out, and she tells him that she's just won $10 in the lottery, she turns her attention to me.

Over-Dressed Trashy Woman: "Hey sexy, how's the food?" Me: "Excuse me?" Woman Who Just Called Me Sexy: "I said, how's the food?" Me: "Oh, pretty good." Woman Who is Inserting Herself into My Life: "Hi, I'm Victoria, what's your name?" Me: "Beth." Woman Who is Now Prying a Little Bit: "Where do you live, Beth?" Me: "Umm, San Jose." Then, just to be polite, "Where do you live?" Woman Who is Obviously Trying to Pick Me Up: "Right here in the city." Me: "That's nice." Woman Who is Starting to Weird Me Out a Little: "San Jose, that's pretty nice there, isn't it?" Me: "Oh yeah, I like it." Woman Who is Making Me Feel Really Uncomfortable: "It's very classy there. Very PRIVATE." Me: "What?" Woman Who is Looking to Set Me Up in Some Sort of Sex Orgy and Needs to Find a Place to Hold the Freaky-Deaky Party: "I said, it's very PRIVATE there." Me: "Ok, I gotta go."

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Two gigs in one night! Whoo hooo! First it was the Blue Rock Shoot, where I bought a mozzarella sandwich to take with me in the car. There were only 3 audience members at the BRS, but they were the right three. It was fun. The mozzarella sandwich was delicious, but I dripped some on me in the car. And I was really worried because Harvey's is a gay bar and I would be judged for having mozzarella drippins on me. Luckily it was dark. This was a Mixed Nuts show, and this time the Nuts were Howard Stone, Reannie Roads, Howard Meehan and I. I love Howard Meehan. He's cute and funny. Good combo. Nobody got so drunk or whatever that they fell on the pavement cracking their skulls. I miss the old days at Harvey's.

Monday, November 14, 2005

My first time at the LGBT Center in San Francisco. I didn't expect it to look so much like a cafeteria in a library. But the walls were purple. That's how you know it's a gay thing. I had some Scooby Snacks and some cookies. Heather Gold was awesome. That's the first time I'd seen her perform. Nick Leonard, Charlie Ballard, Dana Cory and Aundre the Wonderwoman also performed. I had a great time, and I found parking pretty easily, and the Scooby Snacks were in abundant supply.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

This performance was actually part of a workshop at the convention, so my audience was composed of other comedians. They are a tough crowd. The workshop was let by Eddie Brill, who works for David Letterman as well as doing his own thing. It was great. Dinner was horrible. A veggie burrito with too many raw onions. Ewww.

Friday, November 11, 2005

First annual San Francisco Comedy Convention. I mostly just had a few snacks and an apple. I was feeling gross. And my performance showed it. Oh well, better luck next year.

Thursday, November 3, 2005

Sam's Cafe in Tiburon. Sam had something that belonged to a bulldog. It seems to be a long story, so I lost interested after the bulldog part. Debbie Campo runs a great show, jammed packed house, great appreciative audience. It was so packed I had to go into another dining room to have my dinner of grilled artichoke, clam chowder and spinach salad. With a pinot grigio or two. Main street in Tiburon looks fake. The town in general seems to be one of those annoying places that doesn't believe in street lights or signs. Why does this "tourist" town want to keep people out?

Wednesday, November 2, 2005

Dia de los muertos. And Jimbo's 50th! We had a nice little reception prior to the show. Most folks nibbled on chips, hors d'oeuvres and cake, but I mostly had beer, and just a little nibbly here and there. Dia de los muertos. Quarter Finals at the Battle of the Bay, the accursed competition! I did the best I could for as drunk as I was. Actually, I wasn't drunk, but I was having fun -- and that's not just something I'm saying because I didn't move on and I'm trying to be a good sport. Okay, I was drunk. Ummm, Lar-Bear? Just another random guy who stumbles into the club and gets talkative. Except in a scarier than usual way. That's one of the problems with the San Jose Improv. It is smack downtown, across from one of the major light rail and bus stops. It's Krazy Korner over there. There's some real good ones. But I guess none I've seen lately can beat the employee at Pak-N-Sav. I am so supportive of programs that help the challenged find jobs, but can you keep the loud scary ones in the back? I'll admit it was entertaining -- and not just for me as there were other shoppers in the area -- when Mr. Crazy Loud person was trying to clean up a spill before he could leave and catch his train and it was very frustrating to him that it was not an easy spill to maneuver and he yelled loudly several times "Jiminy Crickets!" (disney better not come down on me for trademark infringement, 'cause I'm just repeating the crazy loud person) At any rate, see how I already know way too much about this person? That's not what America means to me. Okay, I was drunk.

More Dinners. . .